These were the two options laid out for me at the beginning of the year BC (before Covid)😩. I'd made the decision. This year was going to be the end of my feeling like this and I was going to make it happen!
I have spent the last 5 years in hospital on and off. I've had knee surgery twice, sinus surgery twice and spinal surgery due to having severe sciatica and disc degeneration.
After the last surgery I was taking some pretty serious pain medication that was causing me grief in so many ways. I had ongoing neuropathic pain in my left leg and sciatica back on both sides. It was fairly evident that I either suck it up because I was going to have to rely on pain meds to get me through the day orreally suck it up and find alternative ways to start living again.
I can remember my husband buying me my first TENS machine and me being such a bitch to him saying "OMG! Do you really think that afreakin TENS machine is going to make any difference?SERIOUSLY????". Actually, I may have even thrown it back at him with those words 😏😏
That afternoon I arrived home after a busy day on the floor, I was in so much pain... So, I had to ask him if I could give that 'freakin TENS machine' a go....Ummmm, (I may have gotten so fat over the years because sometimes I have had to eat a lot of humble pie!! 🤪)
I could not believe how well it worked for me! I would never say I was pain free but it certainly helped me to refocus on something else other than my world of pain. I don't know if you know what it's like to live with chronic pain? I certainly didn't know before my life changed so drastically. I had no respect for how chronic pain can diminish your quality of life. It was pretty frightening for both me and my family.
Now that I had this neat little tool, I thought maybe I could take the steps to get off all the meds. That was a long slow crawl, weaning myself off slowly and it took what seemed like forever but was probably about a year. I was starting to find my "focus" again and if you have ever been on those medications you know what I am talking about. You feel like your head is wrapped with cotton wool and it's just so frustrating.
Trying to find the right words for things was my biggest challenge, believe it or not. It was so very, very difficult to run a business especially one where you are communicating with people every day.
Now that you have some background, fast forward again to the beginning of the year when I was wondering how on earth I was going to lose the weight! I had tried everything. Every diet around and I won't name them becausethat could get me into trouble. I had also done all the food delivery diet based company's. I had a personal trainer (knee injury from this and one knee arthroscopy later....). What was I going to do? I couldn't do any form of exercise because the pain was horrific so that was how I began to look into my options for weight loss surgery.
I did, of course, have a lot of customers coming into the store over the years who have had Gastric Bypass or Sleeve surgery done and had lost an amazing amount of weight. Their stories were always different. Not always was the information given freely. I suppose they felt that judgement would be reigned down on them...... again!!
So it was usually put to me in ways like, " I don't really know how to dress now because I have lost a lot of weight". "Oh, really?" I would say. "Do you mind me asking how you did that? Because you look amazing!" and sadly so many times they would respond with "I gave up sugar" or "Keto" or "Diet & Excercise". These women felt they couldn't be open with us because all too often they have had to defend their decision to have the surgery. They were made to feel like they had taken the easy way out or that they had "cheated " in some way.
A beautiful, long term customer of mine came in one day and I hadn't seen her for yonks. She was visiting a friend in Rockhampton and decided to come into SGS for a squiz. Well, she looked amazing! She was looking so much younger, fitter and glowing. Just glowing 😊
I knew her well enough to ask her how she had lost weight. She told me straight up without any preamble that she had weight loss surgery. It was honest and open and without shame. She was not asking me for my blessing or my opinion. She was interested in neither. She was proud of what she had achieved. It was my 'aha' moment.
So, I decided to take the idea home to Peter and the family. Throw it around and see what they thought about such a drastic action 😔. I was humbled and overwhelmed with how much support they showed me straight away. They did not hesitate and jumped on board the Weight Loss Surgery Train with me.
Pete could see that I had lost so much confidence and was really struggling with my self esteem. It affected me so badly in ways that are hard to explain. Here I was trying to help women feel good about themselves and I was feeling like shite. I felt that my opinion on styling didn't really weigh in because I was overweight. I felt that my customers were looking at me and judging me for putting so much weight on over the last few years. I had just lost my mojo and I felt like I was losing my sense of self.
It's really important here to note that this was not really the case... our customers are genuine people and never once would they have thought such things. It was all in my head. That's how the confidence thief works. She gets into your head and niggles away until you don't believe in yourself anymore. My work is such a big part of me and I was losing the ability to help others due only to my lack of self confidence. My motto has always been "fake it till you make it". I am not a confident person. Far from it. I push myself out of my comfort zone all the time. Every day I go into my store and do just that. Every day I go out into the world and do just that. I fake it until I make it. In other words I go through the motions until I begin to believe it and it becomes reality.
I have the most wonderful husband. Anyone that knows him, knows how blessed I am. He is my rock. He is my soulmate. There is not one day in our life together that he hasn't shown complete and utter love and devotion to me ❤️️.... Well maybe if I had pissed him off... there have definitely been more than a few.....he is not a saint for God's sake 😉! Everyday when he comes into work he looks at me and tells me how beautiful I am. For real. Ask anyone!
At what stage would he have said something about me having to lose some weight? Maybe something along the lines of, " hey big girl, do you think you might shed some kilo's?" 🤣🤣 When I suggested this to him, he told me that he did have a plan to do that when I got to 120kg. LOL. I'm still not sure he would have even said anything at 150kg. As a side note, I do want to say that I got to 112kg (of what I know about anyway..... there certainly could have been times when it was over that but I was not that interested in keeping a track at that stage. It was more like holy fuck! Get off as quick as you can! 😩😩)
For all of you girls out there who ( at the moment ) may not have that support in your life please know that you are worthy of finding that self respect and pride in yourself. You are worthy of finding those people in your life who will rally for you and who will be your biggest supporters. I know this term is over used but you really do need to find your tribe. As women we tend to care way too much about what other people think. Why do we give them so much input and so much value?
I know that I am a people pleaser and this can be detrimental to my own mental health. I have to remind myself to not allow other people's opinion of me or what I do be a weigh in factor. They do not have any friggin right to impact your life in such a way and I urge you to fight your way out of any negative friendships or relationships who don't encourage you to be the very best version of yourself.
As a 50 year old woman I am so god damn adamant that we all start to be more transparent, to be more honest in order to be our more authentic selves. If we are authentically living our best life then we can be role models to our sisters and daughters as a collective group, not just individually. We have that power. We really do.
I surround myself with only the very best. I am wealthy in female strength. I have my two beautiful daughters who I want to be the very best example of womanhood too. I have my amazing sister who has more life experience and love than anyone I know. She shares each freely and unselfishly. I have a handful of very very close friends and family who I know will be there with me through thick and thin. They are my call in the middle of the night people 😂😂. Fill your life with these people and forget about the rest.🤙🏻
So there you have it for this week. I am sure I have written too much! 🤪 I will see you all next week to share my weight loss journey (omg, I hate that word! if there is another word that describes weight loss can someone please let me know in the comments below? I so don't want to have to keep using it 😏😉)
Frumpy 50 or 50 & Fabulous! to be cont'd next week.... or whenever I get around to it xoxo
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